Good Joke

[colling_wood]

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line Between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
When asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of My weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
Providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'
Which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
Weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam .'

[colling_wood]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher in Western Australia

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says:

'Because I’m the goalie'

[colling_wood]

Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'
Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'
'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[69kindagal]

lmfao nice one

[unclepony11]

LMFAO brill!!!

[Ace_Queen]

All brill LMFAO ...............

[bohica666]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[bohica666]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[bohica666]

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and screamed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

[sinner]

They Are All Good .i Need A Suit

[bohica666]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?