sum jokes :D

[x_kerry_R_x]

steal a dress
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

teacher

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

chinese torture

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"
The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter. "
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.
That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
The next morning theman awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest." "
What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."



An blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.
The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."
"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the Blond.
"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,"
"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."
"Why not?" Asked the owner.
"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"


blonde
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
..........
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "what the heck", and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news....
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more"
I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
..........
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner
....
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.
So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See, that guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replies the blonde." There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

[pam66]

nice one kerry, chinese torture soooooooooooooooooo funny lmao

[CaptainSandy]

Well done Kerry

[x_kerry_R_x]

lol thanks x

[colling_wood]

Guys,
>
> I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your
>
> advice.
>
> I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
>
> The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
>
> My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when
> I
>
> ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
>
> know them.'
>
> I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
>
> usually fall asleep.
>
> Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
>
> I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night
> she
>
> went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
>
> Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could
> get a
>
> good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out
> with
>
> 'the girls. '
>
> When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was
>
> open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
>
> It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
>
> hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
>
> Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
> pro-shop
>
> where I bought it?
>
>

[ilovekerry]

nice jokes babe xx

[funkyskunky]

ok chinese torture
i literally grab my testicals to see if they were still there lol
i now know never to mess with an old chinese guy's granddaughter lol