Friday 7

[KingPete]

RETIREMENT is DIFFERENT for EVERYONE

One day, while going to the store,

I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual,

but continued on my way to the store.


On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.


'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'


'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes,

& they're having a yard sale.'



CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on
the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed that
the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started
and have never finished. So, I looked around my house to see all the things
I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder
of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.





Ole and Sven and two Swedish Girls

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven says, 'Dunno, but I'm drunk enuf to ast. Let's go!'
They arrive at the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.

Lena answers and says, 'Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!'
Ole barely gets in the door when he demands, 'Vee yoost come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.'
Lena is shocked by this and immediately throws them out, slamming the door with a bang!
Ole is persistent. He knocks on the door again.
Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's them and says, 'Ole, if you're gonna be so rude and forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole.'
Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, 'OK, ven you girls gonna make out vit us?'

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, 'Vell... Ole, vut did she say?'
Ole says, 'Vell, I tink she said.... FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again.'




Saskatchewan Salesman !!!

A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
'Just one' says the kid.

The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says $101,237.65'.

The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'





Choices you make in life

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading ..

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. HOWEVER...

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!

[StarryStar]

[colling_wood]

i might go fishing ha ha

[BigA1]

The 'Choices You Make in Life' is a true gem. It is both a brainteaser and a good joke. It even has a moral value.

[Ace_Queen]

LMAO.......................nice ones Pete.....

[ilovekerry]

class m8 i love em well dun