For the Ladies

[whitewo1f]

A man said to his wife, "Honey, if I die I know you'll eventually get remarried, so as soon as I'm gone I want you to sell all my stuff right away." His wife asked, "now why would you want me to do that?" He replied, "I just don't want some other scumbag getting all my stuff." His wife answered, "what makes you think I'd marry another scumbag?"

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than in improving their minds? Cause most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What is every Amish women's fantasy? Two mennonite.

A man called an old girlfriend and asked if she was free Saturday night? She said no, but that she'd consider giving him a discount.

Where must you go to find a man who's truly commited? A mental hospital.

One day a husband asked his wife, "would you like a quickie?" To which his wife replied, "compared to what?"

One night a husband told his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." His wife replied, "oh, I'll really miss you."

A young woman approached a salesman in a Drug store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator." The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "come this way." The woman replied, "if I could come that way I wouldn't need batteries for my vibrator!"

What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hotdog and a six-pack.

What's a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

Why did Dorothy get lost in the land of Oz? Cause she had three men giving her directions.

Why do women pay less for auto insurance than men? Cause women can't get blow jobs driving a hundred miles an hour.

A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. Her boss called her into his office and said, "I know we had a fling for awhile, but its over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee. Who said you could come and go as you please?" She smiled and replied, "my lawyer."

After a night of love making the man noticed a picture of another man on the woman's nightstand. Nervously he asks, "is that a picture of your husband? "No silly' she replied. He asked, "of your boyfriend?" "No" she answered. "A relative then?" he asked. To which she replied, "no silly, that's me before the operation."

A woman goes to her doctor and explains that every time she sneezes, she has an orgasm. In amazement the doctor said, "goodness, that's terrible, have you been taking anything for it?" She replied, "just pepper."

One night a couple is watching the tv news when a report says a prisoner escaped from the local penitentiary. Later, after they've gone to bed, they hear a noise outside their bedroom. Suddenly a man comes bursting through the door. It's the escaped prisoner. He takes them captive and ties them up. Laying his wife on the bed, he climbs on top of her and kisses her on the neck. Then he abruptly leaves the bedroom. The woman's husband says, "honey, this is a dangerous man, he's just escaped prison and probably hasn't been with a woman in awhile, I can see he's interested in you by his kissing you on the neck. I know it will be difficult, but you must do whatever he wants. He could kill us both. Be brave my darling, I love you." His wife replies, "he wasn't kissing me on my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He said he was gay and he thinks your really cute. He asked if we kept any vaseline in the house. I told him we had some in the bathroom. Be brave my darling, I love you to."

[herr_perry]

very good still lmao hope no man has read it and plzz some about blond women lol

[DirtyGirlie]

OMG!! Tooo funny. Love it!

[deathkraken]

"Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than in improving their minds? Cause most men are stupid, but few are blind."

so true