Life lessons

[Bonik]

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"�

The eagle answered, "Sure , why not."�

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."�

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."�

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Bonik]

CORPORATE LESSONS
Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Jaycin, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Jaycin says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Jaycin. After a few seconds, he hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Jaycin the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church! , the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

TheTexan, Quagan, and BlackLava are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says Quagan. "I want to be in he Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! he's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the Texan. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to BlackLava. BlackLava replies, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.




IN SUMMARY: An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling. The monkeys on top looks down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[Bonik]

There was a cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks.

He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, let alone walk.

The cat starts to stumble home.

As he comes to the train tracks he doesn't notice a train as it is coming his way.

The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him.

Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it's head to see were his tail is and the train cuts his head clean off.

Moral of the Story: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail!

[Bonik]

When the human body was first made, all the parts wanted to be " The Boss."

The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while The Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

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It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox : "What are you working on?"
Rabbit : "My thesis."
Fox : "Hmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit : "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes !"
Rabbit : "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes,gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf : " What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit : " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf : " you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit : " No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?"
Rabbit : " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear : "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit : "Come into my home and I'll show you"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.


Moral of the story:

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU

[Bonik]

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.

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My Reality Check bounced.

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Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.

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Born Free... Taxed to Death.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

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The new Chinese Cookbook is out at pet stores: 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

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What does a blonde owl say? What, what?

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Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

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Your brain is in 2 parts.

Left brain has nothing right in it and right brain has nothing left in it.

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God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.

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Did you know that you can get exercise pushing your luck?

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It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

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100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

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God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.

Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.

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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Bonik]

A real case of radio exchange (at least they say so)

Real registered story of radio exchange between Spanish and Americans on the "Extreme Naval Situations" frequency; navigational channel 106, Finisterr strait (Galicia, Spain coast). October 16, 1997.

Spanish: (some backgrownd noise) … here's А-853, please, turn 15 degrees South to avoid collision with us. You are heading straight ahead to us. Distance 25 nautical miles.

Americans: (some backgrownd noise) …advise you to turn 15 degrees North to avoid collision with us.

Spanish: Negative. Repeat, turn 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

Americans (another voise): This is the Capitan of the United States of America ship. Turn 15 degrees North to avoid collision with us.

Spanish: We consider your proposal neither possible, nor adequate, we advise you to turn 15 degrees South, otherwise you'll crush into us.

Americans (almost shouting): HERE IS COMMANDER RICHARD JAMES HOWARD, CAPTAIN OF THE USS CARRIER LINCOLN, SECOND LARGEST SHIP OF THE US NAVY. WE ARE ESCORTED AND ACCOMPANIED BY 2 CRUISERS, 6 DESTROYERS, 4 SUBMARINES AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DO NOT "ADVISE", I ORDER YOU TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OTHERWISE WE WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE ALL NECCESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE SECURITY OF OUR SHIP. PLEASE, GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR COURSE!

Spanish: Here is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara. We are two men. We are accompanied by our dog, supper, 2 bottles of beer and a canary, who is sleeping now. We are supported by the "Cadena Dial de La Coruna" radiostation and "Extreme Naval Situations" 106 channel. We are not going to turn anywhere, taking into account that we are on the mainland and we are the lighthouse А-853 of the Finisterr strait, Galicia coast, Spain. We know shit about our place among the lighthouses of Spain sizewise. You can take all your f…ing measures you believe neccessary and do whatever you like to ensure the security of your f…ing ship, which will smash into pieces over the rocks in seconds. Therefore once again we strongly recommend you to do the most reasonable thing: turn 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

Americans: Roger that. Over. Thank you.

[Bonik]

One day a blonde was having trouble with her computer, so she calls tech support.

"Hello how can I help you?," the tech support woman says.

"Yes, I am having trouble getting my computer to do anything," the blonde says.

"What window do you have open?"

"Are you crazy! it's freezing cold outside!"

[Bonik]

Good Girls Vs Bad Girls
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, "what’s for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl’s man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties... Bad girls don’t wear any.

Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot... Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner... Bad girls make reservations

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies... Bad girls

know they could do better

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss... Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.

Good girls believe they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls... Bad girls believe that they are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food... Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Good girls prefer the missionary position... Bad girls do too-when acting out a "virgin" fantasy.

Good girls pack their toothbrush... Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls save for a rainy day... Bad girls save for a Chanel suit.

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it... Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wear high heels to work... Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance... Bad girls think NO place is the wrong place.

Good girls have stocks... Bad girls have stockbrokers.

Good girls collect silk shirts... Bad girls collect chiffon teddies.

Good girls just say no... Bad girls just say when.

Good girls never do "it" on the first date... Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he’s driving.

Good girls read best-sellers... Bad girls sleep with their authors.

Good girls write condolence notes... Bad girls marry the widower.

[Bonik]

How Men And Women Change Oil
Women: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since...
WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
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$21.00 Total

MEN:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car.
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Total Time Spent ???
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
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$1337 Total

[Bonik]

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women
1. You don’t have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it’ll be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter.

26. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee is good when it’s cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn’t care when you dunk things in it.

31. Coffee doesn’t care what kind of mood you’re in.

32. Coffee doesn’t shed.

33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34. You can’t get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35. Coffee doesn’t mind being ground.

36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month...it’s good all the time.

38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39. When you have a coffee, you don’t end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

40. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.

41. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

42. INSTANT COFFEE!

43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

45. Your coffee won’t be jealous of a larger cup.

[Bonik]

100% Blonde Jokes - best blonde jokes book ever! Check it out!

Q. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A. She’s trying to hold on to a thought.

Q. Why did the dumb blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A. So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell…she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A: She goes home!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.

Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.