Monday 5

[KingPete]

Abstinence

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "A can of paint?!?" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."




Bucket And Saucer Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."



Newlyweds

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement asked, "Is that all we have left?"




Family Vibrator

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"




The Wild, Wild West

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to help."

"Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha," said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?"

"Yeah - If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha."

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old timer. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

"No, no, the whole gun," said the graybeard. "Handle and everything."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it won't hurt so much."