Okay, this was just too funny not to share...

[KingPete]

Okay, this was just too funny not to share...

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to sh#t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Canadian Tire. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[69kindagal]

lmfao sooo much thanks pete that was brilliant xxx

[chipjones]

lmao tears in my eyes. but i do know how you feel

[Down_River]

That was a great story, brought tears to my eyes too...Thanks.

[StarryStar]

That was sooo funny ... I loved it ... TY My King xoxox

[colling_wood]

that was good m8 keep them comeing

[loveschips]

OMG so funny, thank you king.

[Ace_Queen]

ROFLMAO Absolutely hilarious Pete ....brill

[Ken_de_Ben]

where u get all dis from lmao

[BigA1]

Thanks for sharing. At least the store will get a new coat of paint.

[dangit]

i like habeneros n my chilly
canadian tire,only in canada i think
but i swear it wasn't me
lol

[SouthernGirl]

LMAO!!!!Shared this one with my roommate!! i laughed so hard reading it that i not only had tears rolling down my face, now my abs hurt!!!

[unclepony11]

that is without a doubt the funniest thing ive ever heard, the tears are streaming down my face

[jane2008]

the following user lmao ..

[SouthernGirl]

King Pete : You Are Funny!!! However My Friend Jane2008 Is Just As Funny
Lmao At Her Response!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[THEBUDDHA66]

lmao king pete i can smell you from here

[zenolea]

That was absolutely brillant.

Haven't laughed so much in ages...
Had to walk away from my screen couldn't read through the tears

Very well put

[whitewo1f]

King, fell on floor laughing my ass off, banged head on table, knocked computer off table, computer fell on crotch, rolled over in agony, right into cats litter box face first, sneezed so hard I shat myself, struggled to my feet and headed to bathroom to clean up, forgot computer on floor with loose cord, got foot tangled in cord, stumbled across kitchen floor trying to catch my balance, slammed into back screen door which flew open, while catching my shorts on handle and ripping them off, continued stumbling across yard, naked now, neighbors dog saw me and started chasing me tryin ta nibble my sausage, junped over nearby fence to escape,where neighbor lady was sunbathing, also naked, fell on top of her, just as her husband returned from work for something he forgot, he starts chasing me around their pool, he then grasps chest , says,"my heart" stumbles into pool, I dive in to save him, which cleaned my backside up nicely, drug him to side of pool and rolled him out onto his back, he wasn't breathing so I started doing CPR, all the while his wifes screaming and whacking my back with a stick she found, the other neighbors heard the commotion and called the police, they showed up and found us in flagrant delicto, what they thought I don't know, but I was immediately slammed,cuffed, and stuffed into the back of a patrol car, while they called ambulance, husband made it thank god, I was taken to station naked, accept for towel police borrowed from neighbor lady, towel had flowers and butterflys on it, so now I made new best friend while waiting to be booked, was able to explain what happened and police let me go and returned me home, I got computer set back up and plugged in, and logged back on so I could send you this message. Now, while I do have a sense of humor and enjoy a good laugh now and then, shit happens, as they say, so if you'd like to help and make amends, I could use a good explanation for the neighbors, therapy for my cat and myself, a new pair a shorts, and oh yeah, a bowl or two of that chili to help ward off my new best friend.

[cobra_xes]

Great one KP. LMAO because i am a manager ay WALMART.

[KingPete]

thank you whitewolf ... I enjoyed your comeback ... lol ... nice