One Liners

[fabhastoplay]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[jayccin]

a girl called me the other day and said come on over nobody's home, i went over , nobody was home.

[jayccin]

I coulld tell my parents hated me, my bathtub toys were a toaster and a radio.

[aceman666]

I went to see a Muslim stripper last night...she got her face out for the lads !

[jayccin]

My cousin is gay, he went to London just to find out that Big Ben is a clock.

[fabhastoplay]

A jump-lead walks into a bar, the barman says I'll serve you, but don't start anything


A sandwich walks into a bar, the barman says, Sorry, we don't serve food in here


A dyslexic man walks into a bra

[jayccin]

my father used to carry around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

[jayccin]

I caught my wife trying to poison me so i let her.

[ASBO]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[jayccin]

I have good looking kids, thank goodness my wife cheated on me.

[phattP]

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living..

[phattP]

Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice...

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

[Denham]

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue..' I said 'No, just a watch.' (tip - say this one out loud)



I went to the video shop, I said "Can I take out the elephant man?" The assistant said "He's not your type!" So I said "Can I have Batman Forever?" "No," said the assistant "You've got to bring it back on Monday."


"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'


"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

[jayccin]

WHEN i was a kid my parents moved alot, but i always found them.

[aceman666]

my wife said I should get a penis extension...I did... she's 21 and her names Lucy !

[phattP]

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off..

[DukeOfDeath]

Did you hear the one about the silkworms having a race? It ended in a tie!

Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow? It made headlines!

[jayccin]

Originally Posted by aceman666

my wife said I should get a penis extension...I did... she's 21 and her names Lucy !

could you please explain this one.

[jayccin]

the food on the plane is fit for a King,,, here King.

[ASBO]

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.