Saturday 7

[KingPete]

A NAVY PILOT

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed...

"And all these years I've been chewing gum."




Robot Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.





pussycats

A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a towel at the beach in Florida.

She took her sun hat off of her face, only to notice that a man her age had walked up, placed his towel on the sand a few feet away, and began to read a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thanks," he responded, and returned to reading his book.

"I just love the beach, the salt air and the sunshine. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and turned back to his book.

"So, do you live around here, too?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over there in Sun Tree," he answered, then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah went on, "Do you like shuffleboard or cook-outs?"

"I hate shuffleboard but sometimes I enjoy a cook-out," he answered then returned to his book.

"Do you like to go to the movies?" she asked.

"I hate theaters. If I do see a movie, I rent it and watch it from the couch," he said, and kept on reading.

"Do you like pussycats?" she persisted.

In a flash, the man threw his book into the sand, jumped off his towel onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate encounter of her life!

A few moments later, as the cloud of sand began to settle and Sarah was able to breathe, she gasped and asked him, "How did you ever guess that was what I wanted?"

The man answered, "Well ... how did you know my name is Katz?"




BOB

Bob works hard at the local auto plant and spends two nights each week
bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself
too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob
'He's on my bowling team.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's a waitress at the golf club; must be working two
jobs. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob starts
to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance
big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She
is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word
in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
time.'





Who Am I

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times......."



Hans

Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, 'Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.'

Hans said, 'I hafen't got da finkers.'

'Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?' he asked. 'Lordy! It's 2008! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?'

Hans responded: 'How da fock vas I supposed to pick dem up?'

[69kindagal]

hahahhaa love them pete nice one xxxx

[StarryStar]

Funny ....

[BigA1]

LOVED these stories. The robot one was super. Thanks M8.

[kuban32]

Blonde in a Boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

[pam66]

lmao, great jokes, pete, keep them coming

[machac]

LOl I loved them all espically hans