Sunday 7 - OnlinePoker66 Forum : Your daily poker board!

KingPete · #1 10-26-2008

Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Heaven and Hell

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all

of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that' says St. Peter 'It's only someone having

the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the

conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling

screams.

'Oh my!' says the old lady 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry'

says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this' says the old lady, 'I m going to Hell.' 'You can't go

there' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

careful what you wish for

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to them all and begins to explore the
house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and
hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can
also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. .. . but why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

French Immersion Class

In Quebec , the French do not pronounce the letter "H".
For example Hot Dog is pronounced Ot Dog and Hudson Hardware
is pronounced Udson Ardware.

They also insert an 'H' where there is none,
by saying Hany (instead Of Any) and Hall (instead of All).
This explanation is for non-Canadians.

One day in a French Immersion Class for 1st graders,
the teacher was asking
her class to describe the use of Ozonol.

Little Mary got up and explained that she had fallen
while roller skating and scratched her knee.
She went home and her Mother cleaned the cut and
put a bandage with Ozonol on her knee and it was all better.
The teacher was so proud and then asked other children
if they had any explanation of the word.

Little Pierre raised his hand and started to explain.
"Well Teacher, da udder nite,
me an my fodder are watching da Montreeal and
Tampa Ockey Game.
An den my mudder start to do da vaccum. Den,
my fodder, yell at my mudder,

ai, ai, ai, ai, Tabarnack Louise,
put dat dam ting haway now or I'll stick
it up your hass .....Ose an all."

Day at the Zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now...Tell him you have a headache.'