Tuesday 5

Contest

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come
up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got
one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in
yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is
four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll
never know the depth of mine."



Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and?
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor
was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she?
asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who?
appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple?
question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he?
hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips?
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,?
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I?
must confess I don't know much about history."




Look For The Union Label

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."



A New Martial Art

This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.

When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and—bang!—knocks him clean off the barstool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden—bang!—the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

Deciding he’s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.

He’s gone for an hour before he returns and—crash!—he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tyre iron—from Target.”




Viagra Wife Diary

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!