Wednesday 8 - OnlinePoker66 Forum : Your daily poker board!

KingPete · #1 10-29-2008

Pills

A teenage boy asks his granny 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny: 'Forget the stupid pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Grandma's house

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded Him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eaing at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Desperate wife

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her,

the psychic delivered the bad news...
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be

a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the

single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the

question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away
with it?"

insect repellent salesman

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I
guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case
from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you
rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and
his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was
there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son." he said,, Now you don't have a
bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked at him through bloodshot eyes and asked with a
weak croaking voice "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"