future not good at mo

[future2112]

have been putting this off for a while but ive decided to post how i feel at the mo... hopefully get some positive feedback and support from you..coz i need it..!!

Bassically, a few years back my father past away after a long preriod living with cancer. I was working literally 7 days a week and was concidering giving up work to care for my father full time, but before i made the decision my father past away.

For a long long time now i feel i may have let my father down by not giving up work and caring for him and prelonging his death. I just cant seen to let it go.. its like a 'what if i had' sort of thing, would he still be with us now.

At the time prior to my father passing away, i was in a relationship which unfortunately broke up due to my girlfriend leaving. she left me for someone else about a week before my father died, taking my savings with her....

The same week my father told me my halve sister was back in the area and had come to see him. I met my sister for the first time that week after 36 years not knowing i had a sister.... My brain at this time was in a mess.

It was a time i really needed some support to cope with what was happening and i felt so alone and unable comprehend what was happening.

With all that and seeing my father pass away i then had to arrange the funeral etc.. and then the probate.

There was a lot involved with the probate...land abroad i had to pass over to family and property to sell here. Plus trying to take on board the loss of not only one but two people i loved dearly.. and a halve sister ive just discovered i have.

two years later my uncle passed away, too. He found it very difficult to cope after my fathers death... my father was the youngest of 7, so can fully understand how he must have felt.

Come Novermber 2nd it'll be 5 years on an yet im still very sad, sad for the things that happend and the things i could have done to change things. Im still working 7 days week.. i have one day off a month, and only now feel i need to change things. Im so stressed out. Im a distant charater to what i was many years ago.

I can see it in me that ive changed but i need some help and i dont know where to go for it, thats why i decided to post here. i need the encouregement to do something about the way i feel.

a poorly fut

[StCathy]

Hi hun, sounds like your beating yourself up abouts ur fathers death.
I dont think giving up your work would have prolonged his life.
My belief is when, there is a time to be born, and a time to die,
And when its time nothing will stop it.


I gave up my work to care for my mother, it didnt prolong her life, i think it was harder for me to cope with her death, cause i was there with her all the time, so when she passed away, i didnt know what to do with myself, i had too much time on my hands.


Maybe you should cut down your working hours, have time to relax, get a hobby, and get out and enjoy life,
Life is too short hun.


Take care

[DeborahLee]

Future...my heart goes out to you for all you have had to endure.

My father-in-law past 18 months ago from cancer and I feel if there was something I could of done to prolong his life would I then of been prolonging his suffering?

I think after the amount of time that has passed and you are still suffering from your loss you may need some professional help.....sometimes talking to a person who see's things from another view point can help. My husband has had very positive feelngs after seekng help for the loss of his dad.

I really feel you need to slow down a bit, take some time to concentrate of yourself......a holiday or time just to chill.


Good luck to you and you are in my thoughts
Love Deb xxxx

[theguvnor]

it sounds like your working to stop you thinking about things?this doesn't work!!!! it just builds up inside and makes you feel worse,(i should know my father passed some years ago,completely out of the blue).Your dad wouldn't have wanted you to be like this, they only want the best for their kids,even if at times they don't show it!!!.You need to have some ME time and relax and put everything into perspective.I know its a bit of a cliche,but you have to look forward,not back,you cant change anything from the past,but you have the power to change your future,Future !!!you have to move on,that doesn't have to mean forget,you have to come to terms with whats happened, for your health and your future happiness,if this means seeking professional help,or confiding in your best friend,do it, there are always people to talk to,even if it is a pm to someone on here.The bottom line is, there is not a standard answer,everyone has a different way of coping with things,you need to find yours, it wont be easy, but it will be worth it,and you need to to move on.We all feel guilty about things and most of the pressure you feel is put on by yourself,unjustly,dont beat yourself up !!.things wouldn;t have been different whatever you had done,the day you are born,there is also a clock with your passing date on it, and nothing you do will stop that,unfortunately is was just his time.I wish you all the best future,lets hope this is the turning of the corner,and things will get brighter,and if you want to pm me im all ears

[roo27]

hi m8 i can apreshate how you fell "what if's" are a terable thing and the times we re-run in our heads over and over againg can quite easaly take over our real life.

the only advice i can think of to give is have you considered getting profeshanal help ?
i know that may seam to be a drastic thing to do but it can realy help.

it did for me as between the age of 13 and 15 i lost my step dad at 47 to canser (the only father figer id known since birth so a real dad realy)
and my brother aged only 18 in a car acsedent.

Now when my brother passed away it hit me realy hard as we was very close with still both living at home and shairing a room and evry thing realy and it sent me into what i can only say now as being savear depretion i wouldent talk i would cross roads with out looking not cairing if i got run over and even stoped eating.

After about 2 years of this i went for help with a counseler and was saprised at how much it helped there was even times when id go and spent 2 or 3 hours just talking to them and it realy realy helped me at the time. it helped me get to a stage where i was ready to get back on with my owne life .

so i know a lot of pepol would look down on profeshanal help but trust me when i say it sounds like just the thing that could help you .

[del_boy]

hi fut m8.sorry your not feeling the best just now
not much i can say that has not already been said
little wonder that you feel stressed out m8 1 day off work
per month is no good to anyone let alone someone who's going through
what you are m8.and yes as other's have said maybe it's time to seek
professional help rather than trying to cope with it alone.
just one other thing that i will add tho. nothing is more powerful
than the power of prayer.GOOD LUCK IN WHAT EVER YOU DECIDE del.

[Pocket_Ducks]

I would definitely not work as much, as been said above cut down the hours and have some more time for yourself, and basically live for the future and free yourself of the pains from your past.

Remember the past is what builds todays path to head towards the future.. the future is where you should be focused on.
Think of what is best/healthiest for yourself... 'what ifs' are no good to you, as harsh as this may sound.

Take care fella, all the best

kwak

[fred913]

Hi Fut mate, I reckon most of us have a family member or close friend who sadly lost the fight against cancer. Twenty five years ago I lost my wife, I watched her slowly die over eighteen months and was at her bedside when she drew her last breath. The next few years decided my future, I could have stayed in Colne and been close to my children and many friends but I made a big decision and moved away to Bath where I had a close friend. Where you are using your work to assist you I was using my local pub and that was harming my work, my plastering business was suffering badly. The move away was hard at first but turned out to be the best thing I ever did. If you want to chat I'm always available, I think all the advice up to now would help in it's own way but the decision must come from you and you must stick to your guns once you make it. Take care buddy and give yourself a chance. By the way my best friend is now my eldest daughter who I left behind when I moved away, she was married then with a child, i didn't abandon her lol.

[stevo_58]

Sorry to hear about your situation mate. As has been said a lot of us find ourselves in situations that we don't really know how best to deal with. I've been there myself also.

I know there is sometimes a bit of stigma attached to seeking professional help, and its so wrong that it can be perceived that way by many people. In all honesty mate I would strongly suggest talking to your doctor and ask his/her advice to see if they can recommend someone who can help you work through it.

You might be pleasantly surprised to discover how much it helps just knowing that you are actively trying to do something to change things. As you said in your post you've been putting it off. Posting on here is GREAT, because it means you have taken a step to try to find a solution that will help you. I bet doing this HAS helped in a small way, so imagine how much more it would help if you can have someone to help manage the problem with you.

You deserve to have a brighter future simply because you are now dealing with a very difficult situation. Good luck to you mate and I admire you for posting this.

Wishing you all the best mate.

[DreamALot]

I really do not know you very well Fut, but I do know that what people have posted above is right on. Everything from seeking help (being able to talk to people is a big help) whether its professional or not, gives you a little relief that your not alone. ME ME ME time is so important and you should get exercise, travel and do what ever it takes to get out of your rut. I know travel takes money but you can be frugle and not stay in a fancy St. Regis etc. My father passed away from a long ailing disease that it didn't matter if I was there or not. Just happy God has him now instead of his sufferings.

One thing I do regret was not visiting an ailing aunt of mine that passed away un-expectantly from a complication. I do know how you feel and there is nothing I can do to change that feeling other than telling people about it which makes me feel a bit better.

Goodluck in wherever your future takes you, but don't look back with regrets!